Toilet Paper Disaster Solved!

As many people know, we’ve been focusing national attention on the great toilet paper problem. Not long ago, we discovered through careful analysis that Northern toilet paper was going right down the damn toilet! What used to be the thickest paper, with more sheets and extra big rolls has turned to crap. That’s right, I said it! Northern toilet paper is full of crap!

And not in a good way!

So we brought together a commission to go forth across America on a quest. We wanted to find better toilet paper. We studied the situation and discovered that Charmin kicks ass! In a good way!

Remember all those “don’t squeeze the Charmin” commercials with Mr. Wipple? We thought he was an asshole, but in fact, he knew what he was talking about. Charmin offers several sized rolls, but if you look at the actual sheets per roll you’ll discover that their ultra-super-maxi-fantastic- extra-gigantic- massive rolls have only a few sheets less than Northern.

Ah, but here’s the thing: The Charmin toilet paper is the original width! It fits on a standard toilet-paper roll. The company hasn’t shaved off part of an inch like those people at Northern have done. Plus (But wait…there’s more!), Charmin is thicker (they call it softer) than Northern. At least now it is.

Northern “bathroom tissue” used to be nice and thick. They had great commercials about using it as a bumper for kids and things like that. Now, of course, Northern, as we said above, is full of crap. The company, not the toilet paper. They’ve thinned it down, shaved the width, all in the name of saving us money!

But we don’t save money! We end up using more sheets just to stay even!

That’s why we here at the Curmudgeon Central Laboratories now recommend Charmin. If you want cheap-ass thin crap, buy Northern. Or, you can get a much better deal with Scot toilet paper. There’s that old saying, “Sears…where America used to shop,” remember? Well now we can say, “Northern…when you don’t give a shit.”

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