We Need to Fix This Word!

Most of the words in the English language are fairly okay. There are a lot of ridiculous spellings, and nobody really knows how a lot of words ended up the way they are. But consider the word “language.” Note that after the “lan” comes the “guage.” And we say “gwidge.” So we have “lang-gwidge.” Right? Right.

Now think about the thingie that tells you how much gas you have in your car. That wattchamacallit with the needle. It’s a gauge, right? And we say “gay.jh” Perfect.

No wait!! It’s NOT perfect! What kind of dumbass way is THAT to spell the word!

Suppose there’s this woman who’s like, totally pissed at you. She wants to do what with your eyes? Why, gouge your eyes out, that’s what! We say “gow.jh.”

I think it’s just plain stupid that we spell the thing with the needle and gas, “gauge.” How come THAT doesn’t sound like gow.jh? Hmm? Or maybe “gaw.jh” or “gawdge.” After all, if you have a serious burn and go to the hospital, what do they put around you? Gauze, that’s what! And what’s that thing the holds your teeth? Your jaw!

We should fix this! Immediately! It’s just ridiculous to spell it that way.

There’s that rule about how when a vowel (a, e, i, o, u and sometimes y) is in a word and there’s an “e” after it, the vowel takes a long sound. So “gage” would be just fine, thank you very much. There’s the “e” after the last “g” and that “e” is after the vowel, so therefore the “a” should have a long sound. Why do we need a stupid “u” in there? What possible purpose does it serve?

Think about the word “aesthetic.” We say, “ess-thetik” and the “ae” is just a waste of space. It should be “ay-ssthetic,” since there’s an “e” after that first “a.” Or just plain “esthetic.” But nooooo…!

Alright, you might argue; but suppose someone really needs a 5-letter word for some idiotic crossword puzzle about car dashboards? “Gayge” or “gayje” would be completely acceptable, if you ask me. Of course “aye” is pronounce “eye,” but hey, those are just details. Everyone knows that the “ay” in “hay” is the sound we need. So why ISN’T IT THERE!? I mean…what the hell? Who would look at their gas “guy.jh” to see if they’re running on empty? (Well, maybe the Brits, but they talk funny anyway.)

I intend to write a letter to the White House, with a copy to the Oxford Dictionary people to demand!…yes demand!…that they fix this seriously faulty problem. There are a lot of words out there that suck, even “faulty,” come to think of it. Why not make it “fawlty” or “fawltie” like a normal word? But I can live with that, since “au” comes from Australia, so everyone knows how to pronounce it.

I was gonna say “already” knows how to pronounce it, but in fact it should be “aulready.” The only person with some sense is that lady who wrote about cave bears, Jean Auel. But looking at her last name, I think she stole the extra “e” from “aesthetic,” but forgot to debit the account! Well, she’s only one person, so we can let that one goe.

But “gauge” is just too much! That’s “gaw.jh” as far as I’m concerned, and yes, I realize that “gouge” is already taking up space. So “gage” would be fine and easy to remember. Besides; we save the “u,” thereby allowing us to use it somewhere else, where we need letters. In these economic times we’re running out of resources everywhere. We’ve hit peak oil, peak gold, and we’re about to run out of letters — pique alphabet! We probably won’t run out of numbers, though. But do we really need all that many? Don’t get me started!

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