Hey, I got you a Christmas Present!

Guess what! I just got you a Christmas present! But…you don’t even know me, you say? Hey, that’s okay…I got you one anyway. Why? Because you’re you! I was gonna just give a dollar to some charity in your name and give you a cheap card letting you know, but this is a lot better!

See, this is how it works: Sunday morning, at around 1am, my dearly beloved congress voted in the dead of night (when not even a mouse was stirring) to pass the first of three votes on Everybody’s Healthcare.

What will happen is that on the night before Christmas, all through the House, not a creature will be stirring because they already did their work. Instead, all through the Senate, Santa Clause Harry and all his little elves will vote the final step to pass this new bill. (At least that’s what Santa says.)

That bill means that I’ll be giving you health insurance! Isn’t that great? At no cost to you! And you’ll be giving ME health insurance! At no cost to you! (Wait…that doesn’t sound right. No…that’s definitely what I was told. For sure!)

How’s that work, you ask? Well, it’s easy and it’s just like everyone knows Christmas presents are supposed to be. First, you give me your money. Then I go out and buy you a present. I pay a down payment on a really really expensive thing that you’ll just love! Then I hand you the payment booklet on Christmas morning so you can pay the rest of the money at your convenience.

Of course it’s a binding agreement, which I signed for you anyway (since you trust me). That means that if you don’t make the payments each month, you go to jail! Isn’t that cool? Hey, what better way to insure that you’ll enjoy my present to you for the rest of your life. Just don’t get sick…because I’m not sure if that health insurance works if you’re sick. It IS “health” insurance, after all, which means you have to stay healthy!

Another great thing about this is that you get to pay installments on your present for like, 4 years before you have to worry about what you’ll do with the actual gift. See? That saves you room! We’re always running out of room for stuff at my house, so I’m sure it’s the same for you. So why make the problem worse? Just pay up and don’t worry about having to use anything right away.

Anyway; just wanted to say Merry Christmas and feel free to enjoy your present. I would’ve got you something useful, but then, I don’t have any money. Well, I do have money, it’s just that my senators and congressmen in Washington are holding for me. Temporarily.

They’ve mostly been using it to buy Christmas presents for lots of other folks I don’t know yet. But see, I believe in peace and love and good will to mankind. And salvation too! So I do most of my shopping, with whatever pocket change I have left, at Good Will and the Salvation Army. (I wonder if the Food Network will have a show, “The Frugal Soup Kitchen?”)

Explore posts in the same categories: Spending Money

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