Worldwide Problems with Cranberry Sauce

Have you ever noticed how as soon as the human race figures out the best solution to something, some idiot comes along with “a better idea?” Think about Coca-Cola, a perfect soft drink. Then some idiot decided to make it better. And the company almost went broke. Now we have to put up with Coke Classic.

Same thing with cranberry sauce. For centuries, mankind has traveled to the cranberry sauce fields, dug up the cranberry sauce and shoved it into cans. Nobody knows why it comes in cans, but probably that’s how it grows. Anyway; it goes into cans. And it has to come OUT of cans, right?

Right! And every Thanksgiving, all of America gets behind the shared experience of getting the national cranberry harvest out of the cans it comes in. Like shucking oysters or corn, or getting turtles out of their shells. Or getting filbert nuts or almonds out of their shells.

The process is simple. You use a can-opener and take off one end of the can. Then you take off the other end of the can, using the same opener. Finally, you use your fingers to push the blob of cranberry sauce out of the can. Easy! Simple! What could be simpler?

Hah! Now the idiots who make cans have come up with A Better Idea! They’ve decided for who-knows-what reason, that the bottom of the cans should be rounded! There’s no lip, no seal, no nothing. And can-openers don’t work on rounded-bottom cans.

Thanksgiving cranberry sauce Christmas turkey chicken

Can-opener-proof Can Bottom

Observe the rounded bottom that can’t be used with a can-opener! This is a pretty typical example of today’s modernized cans! Why they’re this way is a complete unknown! When will we be released from these dastardly schemes by THEM!?

So…how are we supposed to get the cranberry sauce out of these stupid new cans? Hmm? Well, we’ve finally come up with a simple solution:

This is our holiday solution to cooking with modern technology. Each Christmas and Thanksgiving, just when we’re ready to serve the turkey with cranberry sauce, we have a traditional ritual. Who needs can-openers!

Explore posts in the same categories: This is Really Stupid

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