What, No More Toilet Paper At All?

Arrrrgh!! First we get shorted on the new rolls of toilet paper because it saves money. Then we can’t find what we want. Now we’re told that even IF we found what we want, we don’t have a choice anymore!

Environmentalists Seek to Wipe Out Plush Toilet Paper

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess. (Read full story…)

In the communist Soviet Union, back in the day, they didn’t even HAVE toilet paper! They used newspapers! From what I understand, they only had two, state-controlled papers and they used the larger paper because it had more pages. Instead of bailing out newspapers, one caller I heard on the radio suggested keeping the newspapers afloat by using them for American toilet paper!

But here’s a better idea. The Federal Reserve has now printed so much money (in cahoots with the US Treasury), that it isn’t worth anything at all! I was going to say it ain’t worth squat, but then realized…Hey! We COULD use it for a squat now and then! Our dollars are worth a bit less than toilet paper, so we could just do a straight conversion.

Mark Steyn provided a great visual: The Statue of Liberty holding up a roll of real, made-in-the-USA toilet paper as a symbol of our liberty, freedom of choice, and the great American spirit! I can see it now…

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

By gosh, we DO have the wretched refuse! We just need the toilet paper to wipe it up! And we DO have the homeless, everywhere, with hundreds of thousands arriving with each new cycle of foreclosures! We have the golden arches, but we could change it to “beside the half-moon door” and be all set to go. Just change a few things in the inscription.

Give us our toilet paper!

Give us our toilet paper!

How do we clean up the environment without toilet paper? I ask you! Let’s kill a bunch of birds with one stone, and solve the global economic crisis at the same time.

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